2 Years Ago I Slept With My Psychiatrist.
It Was Fully Consensual. But I Spiralled Soon After.
AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION AT THE MOST FORGETTABLE COFFEE SHOP IN WEST LONDON FACING A MAN WITH WHOM I HAD JUST COMMITTED THE MOST SHAMEFUL ACT THE NIGHT PRIOR. WE WERE BOTH FAIRLY TENSE AND SEATED. ACTIVELY PROCESSING COMPLEX EMOTIONS AND NAVIGATING WHAT WE KNEW WOULD BE OUR LAST CONVERSATION.
Dr. Scott: How’s your flat white? [BOTTOM LIP QUIVERING AND ADJUSTING HIS RIMLESS GLASSES ]
Me: Oh… umm… it’s… you know… it’s great. [ FIDDLING WITH THE PORCELAIN MUG LIKE MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.]
Dr. Scott: I’m glad to hear that. I errr… I come here sometimes in the morning after the gym because it’s relatively near the office.
Me: Ah, I see. Proximity is definitely in your favor.
Dr. Scott: Exactly. Convenience is the name of the game. [HE ENUNCIATES MELODICALLY.]
Me: Right…
Dr. Scott: So, even though we were short one guest, I thoroughly enjoyed cooking for you last night. It was umm… it was nice to have some company. Did you enjoy it?
Me: [I BEGIN TO BLANK OUT.] Errr…
Dr. Scott: Joseph?
Me: Yes. Oh gosh—sorry about that.
Dr. Scott: Oh. Don’t worry… I think I lost you for a second there. [A BREATHY LAUGH ESCAPES HIS LIPS.]
Me: Yeah, maybe I’m just a bit tired. What did you say? [MY EYES FIXATE ON THE BIRTHMARK NEAR HIS GLISTENING ADAM’S APPLE.]
Dr. Scott: I was just asking if my cooking yesterday was to your liking. I trust the brisket was crisp enough? Sainsbury’s finest. [ANOTHER NERVOUS CHUCKLE.]
Me: It was… brilliant. Really. Dinner was delicious. I appreciate the invite.
Dr. Scott: Good. Good to know. And of course, my wife sends her deepest apologies for not making it last minute. She was super keen on meeting you actually.
Me: Yeah, in many ways, so was I. Especially when you mentioned last week that she was a ceramicist. [I NOD AGGRESSIVELY.]
Dr. Scott: Yeah. Things happen. In fact, I think she should be on the Eurostar by now come to think of it. [PERFORMATIVE GLANCE TO HIS APPLE WATCH.]
Me: Fantastic.
Dr. Scott: Anywho, how are you feeling… now?
Me: Now?
Dr. Scott: Well, after what happened last night… errr… I just want to know if you are… errr…
Me: Ah, I see. [INTERJECTING] What happened last night was… umm… it was…
Dr. Scott: A mistake… Joseph. What happened last night was a huge mistake. [HIS EYES BECOME EXTREMELY GLASSY.]
Me: Of course. [I BASICALLY SQUEAK AS MY THROAT SUDDENLY DRIES UP.]
Dr. Scott: I suggested we come here to talk because I wanted to first apologize. [HIS GREEN EYES SUDDENLY AVOID CONTACT WITH MINE.] And I also… errr…