How I Ended Up Living With Two Charming Agnostic Pescatarians, Two Doodles and A Cat Called Satan.
Note: I Grew Up Catholic and The Closest Thing to a Carnivore Possible.
I WALK INTO A SMALL COFFEE SHOP FRANTICALLY SHAKING MY UMBRELLA ON AN UNFORGIVING AUTUMN DAY AFTER MISSING MY TRAM AND FAILING TO AVOID THE RAIN. I AM THEN SIDE EYED BY A WOMAN IN ALL BLACK WHO I DID NOT KNOW WOULD LATER BECOME MY BEST FRIEND.
Goddess In All Black: [ LOOKS DISAPPROVINGLY IN MY DIRECTION ]
Me: [ BAMBI EYED AND WET ] Sorry if I got any water from my umbrella on you. Where did you get that jacket ? I love the texture.
[ SHE IS SITTING NEXT TO A BEARDED MAN WHO ESSENTIALLY LOOKS LIKE JESUS AND IS TENDING TO TWO GIANT BLOND DOODLES ]
Goddess In All Black: [ NOW GRINNING AT THE MAN ] Err… thank you, no worries. As far as the jacket is concerned, I’m actually the designer. I run a fashion brand and its called Fucked Up Individuals. This is a part of our collection.
Me: Really? It’s so well cut. Are you guys Dutch? [ ASKING TWO PEOPLE WHO CLEARLY DID NOT LOOK DUTCH ]
Goddess In All Black: [ PLAYFULLY BLINKS IN DISBELIEF AT MY QUESTION] Umm, no. We moved here a few years ago from Tel Aviv and live just a few minutes away.
Bearded Jesus: I think I’ve actually seen you around the neighbourhood and we spoke once.
Me: Oh gosh, yes! A couple weeks ago that evening when I was like basically a bit tipsy and began flirting with you unsolicited. hahaha. I knew I recognised your dogs when I walked in.
Goddess In All Black: Wtf! You hit on my husband? On this…….man next to me? [HYSTERICALLY LAUGHS ]. Well I’m glad he got some attention for once and not just the dogs.
[BEARDED JESUS OFFERS CHARITABLE SMILE]
Breaded Jesus: Its all good brother. How about you ? Where are you from ?
Me: [ CONSIDERS WHETHER TO OVERSHARE ] I’m actually an immigrant but originally from Ghana. Born in London and was largely based there, but because of Margaret Thatcher, I’m not actually a “naturalised” British citizen. So here we are.
[HER EXPRESSION SOFTENED IN A WAY THAT ALLOWED MY SHOULDER’S TO RELAX]
Goddess In All Black: [PHYSICALLY PROCESSING] Fuck, I get it, I was an immigrant as well, when my mom moved from USSR to Israel. So where do you stay when you are in the Netherlands ?
Me: Oh, a friend of mine who also struggles with bipolar disorder just came out of a psychiatric wellness clinic [Mentrum] - so I stayed with her for a while on the Keizersgracht and now I’m renting a tiny canal apartment in Da Costakade. It’s quite charming but usually cold.
Goddess In All Black: I hope your friend is a bit better now. But when it comes to you I can see you’ve been around. [ SMIRKING ]
Me: It’s been A LOT but I’m taking it one day at a time.
Goddess In All Black: Well, to be honest I can relate because it’s something I also struggle with and its fucking hard sometimes. [TURNS SLIGHTLY TO BEARDED JESUS] When did I get diagnosed with BD again?
Bearded Jesus: I actually think it was before we met. So probably 20 years ago?
Goddess In All Black: Yeah. Oh! btw did we remember to feed Satan?
[ BEARDED JESUS NODS CALMLY ]
Goddess In All Black: Yeah we probably did. [LOOKS TO ME] Oh….Satan is just our super fluffy, Persian cat. He’s at home now. [ AFTER WITNESSING MY SHOCK ]
Me: Oh got it. That makes more sense now. [ MY EYES BECOME GLASSY BECAUSE I YAWN BUT FAILS TO MASK THE HEAVINESS IN MY FACE ]
Goddess In All Black: We usually don’t bite. In fact do you want to join us for a coffee?
[ I PAUSE JUST BRIEFLY ENOUGH THAT IT WAS NOT AWKWARD ]
Me: Sure, thank you so much.
Goddess In All Black: I’m Ili by the way. I guess you’ve already been introduced to my husband here who’s holding the true loves of my life….Yuzu and Yohji. [GESTURING PASSIONATELY AT THE TWO DOODLES ]
Me: They’re so gorgeous [ NOW STROKING ONE OF THE DOODLES] I’m Joseph. It’s a very catholic name isn’t it [ NEEDLESS SELF DEPRECIATION DOING THE MOST ]
Bearded Jesus: What would you like to drink? .
Me: Probably a Matcha ?
Goddess In All Black: Perfect.
AND THE REST IS HISTORY