"I Made A £200 Order At McDonald’s and Ate It All. Alone."
Actual Conversation With An American-Egyptian Immigrant Living With PTSD : Part 1
THE CALL STARTS AND MY SCREEN REVEALS A WIDE SMILE AND THE MOST GENTLE SPIRIT WAVING AT ME. FULLY READY AND OVERLOOKING MY 17-MINUTE LATENESS TO SHOW UP ON THE CALL. I WAVE BACK AND I NOW NOTICE THE FAMILIAR GAZE OF SUNKEN HOPE THAT FILLS HER EYES AND KNOW OUR VIRTUAL SUPPER IS GOING TO BE BEAUTIFUL.
Fathia: Hey there.
Me: Hey! How’s your heart today? I’m glad my neurodivergent late ass could finally make it on this call.
Fathia: [GIGGLES] Oh it’s fine. I’ve got some undeniably good coffee right here keeping me company.
Me: Oh yeah, I see that machine next to you. My best friend Illi and her husband are also religiously obsessed with exceptional coffee.
Fathia: Oh really?! That’s amazing. Coffee drinkers really do feel like they're part of some religion.
[WE BOTH LAUGH HEARTILY LIKE FAMILIAR FRIENDS]
Me: So, I would most likely yield the floor to anything you’d want to begin discussing.
Fathia: Oh, we actually… um. [TEARS BEGIN TO FORM]
Me: Take your time. I’m here.
Fathia: [GRABBING TISSUES IN PROXIMITY] Well, I had written this elaborate list of questions to ask you? And I was overthinking last night about what to say?
Me: Right… that’s so sweet. But please, ask me?
Fathia: I mean… umm. How do you find the courage to just keep going despite all the criticism about, like… normalising a taboo subject like euthanasia? Or even acknowledging that you are not okay sometimes…
Me: Yeah, it’s something I navigate daily, and for the most part…
Fathia: Because in Egyptian culture everyone wants to turn up the music and dance. It’s about suppressing the discomfort of one’s emotions in my culture. [SHE POLITELY INTERJECTS]
Me: I totally get that. And as a Ghanaian, it’s something I can relate to. For my second Last Supper dinner, it was with a Dutch-Ghanaian and…
Fathia: Oh that’s really cool! [SHE SMILES]
Me: Yeah, and in the local Ashanti dialect we speak in Ghana—Twi—there is no direct translation for the word “depression.” It doesn’t exist in our vocabulary. And we just found that fascinating.
Fathia: That’s… that’s incredible. Your tribe literally said, “Depression?”… we don’t know her!
Me: Yeah, insert Mariah Carey’s “I don’t know her” reaction. [LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
Fathia: But I must say, I am in awe of your sheer ability to eat with strangers, because for me that would feel like being naked.
Me: Wow. I’d like to understand that a bit more.
Fathia: Well… food was a portal to my mother, and ever since she abandoned us as children, overeating has been my path to dealing with that as a trauma response. And it’s been… [WITHHOLDING SOBS]
Me: I’m here. Take all the time you need.
Fathia: I’m okay. [TAKES DEEP EXHALE] It’s been so healing to watch you just fundamentally break down your walls and risk having meals with strangers.
Me: That means a lot. And I think it’s a miracle that I’m able to overcome my fear to constantly show up as best as I can.
Fathia: Once, I was at a very low point during my time in London, and I made a £200 order at McDonald’s and munched it all by myself.
Me: Legend. [MY PUPILS DILATE]
Fathia: Yeah… there was a concerned group of bystanders wondering if I was genuinely going to consume all that. [NERVOUS CHUCKLE ESCAPES AS SHE EXHALES]
Me: I can only imagine. How did that feel?
Fathia: There was definitely shame and helplessness. It was simply my way of coping. [LOOKING UP TO RESIST THE GRAVITY OF TEARS]
Me: I’m so sorry.
Fathia: I appreciate that. I mean, there are so many ways in which I relate to you because I also had something forcibly taken from me.
Me: Oh… um… oh do you mean?
Fathia: Yeah. [DEFEATED NOD]
Me: [MY EYES WATER] Well, please know that you didn’t deserve that.
Fathia: And neither did you.
Me: Thank you. For being here. And inviting me to a meal.
Fathia: Thank you… well, for just… being!
[WE SHARE A QUIET MUTUAL SMILE]
Fathia: So… what’s been your favourite meal so far?
Me: Oh wonderful! Finally, an easy question.
[WE BOTH BURST INTO TEARY LAUGHTER AND CONTINUED OUR DISCUSSION WITH THE FAMILIARITY OF KINDRED SPIRITS WHO KNOW THAT THERE IS SOMETHING BITTER TO TASTE]