"I Will Be Donating My Heart, Skin & My Eyes"
Part 2 of 2 : Dinner 52 With A Friend Preparing To Die in 136 Days
AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION WITH EMMANUEL AFTER THE SECOND COURSE IS PRESENTED TO US BY OUR HOST, CHEF SIMON VAN LITH, AT CHRISTIAAN SMIT IN AMSTERDAM. I WAS VERY SLIGHTLY INEBRIATED AFTER A FEW GENEROUS SIPS OF WHITE WINE - AN INFAMOUS LIGHTWEIGHT ERROR. EMMANUEL WAS STEADY, ATTENTIVE AND KIND.
Emmanuel: The man who designed my book cover for my collection of poems with Penguin Random House ended his life last week.
Me: No!! Really? [I HAVE TO LIMIT MY SHOCK TO AN INTENSE WHISPER.]
Emmanuel: Yeah, he was Indian, and we spoke quite often.
Me: But how does that make you… feel?
Emmanuel: We both knew it was time. I hope he’s found peace. He also had PTSD, and I think he struggled a lot with tinnitus.
Me: Tinnitus?
Emmanuel: It’s a condition where you hear a constant ringing in your ears—like when someone fires a gun too close to you. And you can’t make it stop.
Me: Oh my gosh. That sounds…[ PAUSING TO CONTEMPLATE]…that sounds…..terrible.
Emmanuel: It is and I wish him peace. Luckily, my ears aren’t the organ I have an issue with.
Me: What do you mean….?
Emmanuel: I have liver damage from years of alcoholism. I started drinking when I was about 13 or 14. And my kidneys are kinda… anyway, it’s not important.
Me: It’s okay… really. There’s no judgment. I get it.
Emmanuel: It is what it is. But I know I’m definitely going to donate my heart, skin, and eyes. Those are healthy enough to be useful to someone who might need them.
Me: Wow. [STILL PROCESSING.]
Emmanuel: I’m just relieved to have a date, knowing that the war in my mind will be over soon.
Me: Is that what it feels like? I mean—I say the same thing, but I guess it’s relative.
Emmanuel: That’s true. How have you been holding up? How’s your application process going? [HIS BLUE EYES INTENSIFY WITH CONCERN.]