"My Stepfather Was Imprisoned in November."
Virtual Supper With a Survivor Who Spoke Out After 11 Years of Abuse by Her Stepfather. She Has PTSD.
THE SCREEN ACTIVATES AS I FUMBLE TO OPEN THE CORRECT TAB TO START THE CALL KNOWING THAT I AM MORE THAN 20 MINUTES LATE TO JOIN. I ENTER THE CALL HOPING THAT THE PERSON ON THE OTHER END OF THE CALL HASN’T GIVEN UP AND THEN THE WARMEST SMILE FILLS MY DISPLAY AND I AM IMMEDIATELY CALMED.
Bell: Thank you for even being here. I know you get a lot of crap online.
Me: I’m sorry. Some call it time blindness, but I seem to have this relationship with time that not everyone shares. I don't know.
Bell: Hey… really… it’s completely fine. This is your time too. I’m grateful to share it with you.
Me: [TAKES DEEP BREATH IN GRATITUDE] Thank you for saying that. Really.
Bell: Of course. I’m here with a mug that’s got some tea, winding down for the day here in Australia. I’ve got my blanket on.
Me: Yes, I can see that. It looks so cozy.
Bell: Well, I’ve thought about meeting you for a long time because I’m not doing too well at the moment, but seeing how you choose to show up in the world just…
[ SHE BEGINS TO SOB UNCONTROLLABLY. I OBSERVE AND GIVE HER THE TIME SHE NEEDS. ]
Bell: Sorry about that, I just genuinely feel—
Me: [I INTERJECT] Please, please, never apologize for that. Never apologize for how you feel. Especially not to someone like me whose tears are well documented.
[ WE CHUCKLE IN UNISON ]
Bell: Um, yeah… I just wanted to say… [PAUSES]
Me: Take all the time you need.
Bell: I’m just thankful that you speak so openly about things many of us are terrified to confront or speak of in our own circles, and it means a lot that a page like yours exists. I hope you can see that for yourself—the impact you’ve had on people like me who are still hurting in the shadows.
Me: I do the best I can to live my truth, and I’m happy if it gives others permission to face their own struggles. We're all carrying some cross.
Bell: Yeah. Well, I’ve seen you speak about this a lot, but I have CPTSD.
Me: Oh wow.
Bell: It’s super hard to get it diagnosed, but my psychologist has always suggested it’s most likely the case. I have only been formally diagnosed with PTSD—so that’s something we definitely share.
Me: Well, unfortunately. I’m sorry life hasn’t been as kind to you as I wish it would have, and I wouldn’t wish my internal battle on anyone.
Bell: I understand. Just like you, I also named my abuser. But it was my stepfather.