Hi, I’ve been watching and reading your journey for a few months. You have said and written some things that I’ve experienced or thought but haven’t been able to verbalize over the years, and I can not thank you enough for that. I never wanted to be someone who reached out to you, just watch you navigate.
But… you wrote something today that is the BASE of all my own struggles.
“To exist with this condition is to constantly perform a version of myself that is digestible.” - Joseph Awuah-Darko
As I’m sitting here in my bed, since last Tuesday my husband is begging me to go outside and smoke weed to “calm down”. I know what he needs from me today is a masked wife and mother, but I can’t mask today. I take 5 prescriptions a day to make myself more palatable to those around me. My whole life I’ve been given tricks and tips to edit myself or told what people like about me and lean into that. I don’t want to whittle myself into their idea of my potential.
I just read your quote again and it made me remember that look, the long off gaze that Bourdain often (mostly) had where he looked bemused, disgusted and proud of himself for digging out a version of himself that the public liked.
Hi, I'm a fellow bipolar, diagnosed at 24 after major psychotic episodes in the span of two years. All I can say is being vulnerable and unmasking yourself and showing up to the world takes so much courage. You've been speaking about your journey so beautifully. I'm finding a sense of belonging with your writing here. I hope you know that you're not alone. Sending you big hugs♥️
I can relate to this but in a slightly different way- i dont have bipolar, but i do have autism and borderline personality disorder. ive been called one of the “lucky ones” with autism, due to being high masking — because being autistic is okay as long as i dont stim, or meltdown, at least not in front of them. they love the benefits of my autism- the immense ability to make connections between things and unique perspectives it offers. they love my borderline, especially in romantic endeavors, because when its good, my passion is stronger than they even have the capacity to feel. but then comes the other side of the coin- the sensory issues, like telling them they cant touch me a certain way because it makes me want to claw my skin off. the quick anxiety that comes when a plan starts to go off track. the snapping at a misworded sentence. i went through DBT to help me control my emotions and learn empathy, and while it has helped, it means that i too am always reducing myself to being digestible. invalidating my own feelings. giving others the grace and understanding that they dont give me back. and it really does suck. ive thought about living single my whole life, so that at the least i can be myself at home, allowed to feel things as deeply as i do and not press it all down and tell myself that i have to act calm, rational, so that i dont scare them. its not exactly the same as your experience, but its still similar enough that i felt deep empathy for you reading this- because i understand. but to try to give you an optimistic light, i have found hope in only being friends with other people with mental disorders. theres a certain mutual understanding, a patience, an acceptance of who we are wholly. yes we may occasionally snap on each other but its always for the better because we can talk about it and work things out— and we understand that one snap doesn’t say anything about our character, just about our experiences and perspectives, and how they influence our emotions. ive found that neurotypical people never want to have the hard conversations, because it means they admit theres a problem. theyd always rather stick their heads in the sand and ignore it then just work through it. i will never understand that. wishing you well joseph, and that you may find some spaces to open up about your experiences and live freely, as even if the whole world may not be that way, just having our little corners to turn to can provide some relief.
Hi, I’ve been watching and reading your journey for a few months. You have said and written some things that I’ve experienced or thought but haven’t been able to verbalize over the years, and I can not thank you enough for that. I never wanted to be someone who reached out to you, just watch you navigate.
But… you wrote something today that is the BASE of all my own struggles.
“To exist with this condition is to constantly perform a version of myself that is digestible.” - Joseph Awuah-Darko
As I’m sitting here in my bed, since last Tuesday my husband is begging me to go outside and smoke weed to “calm down”. I know what he needs from me today is a masked wife and mother, but I can’t mask today. I take 5 prescriptions a day to make myself more palatable to those around me. My whole life I’ve been given tricks and tips to edit myself or told what people like about me and lean into that. I don’t want to whittle myself into their idea of my potential.
I just read your quote again and it made me remember that look, the long off gaze that Bourdain often (mostly) had where he looked bemused, disgusted and proud of himself for digging out a version of himself that the public liked.
Thank you
Hi, I'm a fellow bipolar, diagnosed at 24 after major psychotic episodes in the span of two years. All I can say is being vulnerable and unmasking yourself and showing up to the world takes so much courage. You've been speaking about your journey so beautifully. I'm finding a sense of belonging with your writing here. I hope you know that you're not alone. Sending you big hugs♥️
I can relate to this but in a slightly different way- i dont have bipolar, but i do have autism and borderline personality disorder. ive been called one of the “lucky ones” with autism, due to being high masking — because being autistic is okay as long as i dont stim, or meltdown, at least not in front of them. they love the benefits of my autism- the immense ability to make connections between things and unique perspectives it offers. they love my borderline, especially in romantic endeavors, because when its good, my passion is stronger than they even have the capacity to feel. but then comes the other side of the coin- the sensory issues, like telling them they cant touch me a certain way because it makes me want to claw my skin off. the quick anxiety that comes when a plan starts to go off track. the snapping at a misworded sentence. i went through DBT to help me control my emotions and learn empathy, and while it has helped, it means that i too am always reducing myself to being digestible. invalidating my own feelings. giving others the grace and understanding that they dont give me back. and it really does suck. ive thought about living single my whole life, so that at the least i can be myself at home, allowed to feel things as deeply as i do and not press it all down and tell myself that i have to act calm, rational, so that i dont scare them. its not exactly the same as your experience, but its still similar enough that i felt deep empathy for you reading this- because i understand. but to try to give you an optimistic light, i have found hope in only being friends with other people with mental disorders. theres a certain mutual understanding, a patience, an acceptance of who we are wholly. yes we may occasionally snap on each other but its always for the better because we can talk about it and work things out— and we understand that one snap doesn’t say anything about our character, just about our experiences and perspectives, and how they influence our emotions. ive found that neurotypical people never want to have the hard conversations, because it means they admit theres a problem. theyd always rather stick their heads in the sand and ignore it then just work through it. i will never understand that. wishing you well joseph, and that you may find some spaces to open up about your experiences and live freely, as even if the whole world may not be that way, just having our little corners to turn to can provide some relief.
Beautiful. Have also been criminalized for unmasking. Xx