I Payed My Host Back. She Called Me Lazy.
The Dark Side Of The Last Supper Project
I NEVER MADE IT TO GRONINGEN ON APRIL 17TH FOR DINNER. I HAD A SEVERE ANXIETY ATTACK. THIS IS AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION BETWEEN ME AND THE HOST HERSELF.
April 3rd [I message her on Signal]:
April 4th [She doesn’t respond and I follow up]:
She replies enthusiastically :
I respond that the 17th works fine.
April 10th: [I confirm the ticket details]:
She successfully sends me the ticket for a 3 hour return-trip to Groningen from Amsterdam Centrale.
April 17th: [ The day of the dinner in Groningen has come. I confirm my intent arrive at 6PM ]:
Very shortly after I begin to experience major anxiety and violent dissociation. I try to acknowledge this with my host :
I suggest that she at least sends pictures of the meal she prepared so I can acknowledge her effort and at least share. She declines and sends a tikkie request to pay her back for my ticket. I gladly agree:
I muster the energy to make the payment while on the floor [income from my substack submission by the way] :
She then sends me this and I respond :
Then I try to show gratitude. She then calls me lazy:
I respond to her while I am still laying on the floor - fully triggered:
She then accuses me of being manipulative during the anxiety attack:
I cried the entire night. And I felt an overwhelming but familiar sense of shame for letting someone down. That day was the closest I have come to su!cidal ideation. I kept telling myself “I’m not lazy, I’m not lazy, I’m not lazy, I’m not lazy……...” still on the wave.
I understand the need to want to share experiences - often because we feel validated when someone else goes WOW that person sucked. But one, I don’t think this person speaks English very well which makes it hard to read their intent. And two, I think you should probably tell people ahead of time that there is a possibility you may not make it if you have a health crisis on that day. It’s a bit strange to read you asking for money from a stranger so you can eat their food. I can understand why “underestimating the distance” doesn’t go over very well. Have sympathy. People are struggling and trying their best. I think it’s wise to not react in these kinds of situations. Hand your phone to a friend and get them to have these conversations so they don’t devolve. And don’t post them online xx
Hmm. I’m not sure what the intent of this post is supposed to be. We all understand and empathize with your struggles and it is nice to see transparency and accountability here. However, it also feels strange to post your message thread with your host. I feel like they are valid to be frustrated with you considering your trip was paid and you said you were on the way. Being called lazy during a panic attack is hurtful and wrong. That’s valid too.
What I struggle with is the reasoning behind publishing a conversation, one that was meant to be private, to the internet for all to see. Even if you kept your host’s identity anonymous, it very much reads as a power play. You said you were exiting the conversation, why go further by airing out this thread? Do your future hosts need to worry about the possibility of being doxxed if they slight you? I would feel so violated if I were this host.